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Coming out of Hiding – Winter 2011

Many of my clients and friends are in major transitions at the moment — transitions that are of a relational, professional, health or spiritual nature. As I write this I myself am in a place of transition — and it feels like a coming out of hiding.

I have recently legally changed my name from Margarita Bettina Crocker to Martina Crocker. There are many reasons, the first of which is that at least in the US, so many people called me Marguerite, a name which really does not resonate with me. I am not sure if a name with 4 syllables is simply too long, or not being of Hispanic heritage, Margarita just seemed too unlikely a name for me. Be that as it may, I found myself continually having to say “like the drink” at which point, very frequently, eyes would light up and some reference to Jimmy Buffett would ensue. It got a bit tiresome!

But there is a deeper reason. Names may simply be identifiers — after all they are not our essence and we wear them like garments. And yet when they don’t match our deeper essence, or at least the energy with which that essence is seeking to express itself in the world, there is a dissonance. I myself experienced that dissonance for quite a while. And as so often happens in life, there comes a moment where one simply has to take action.

I find that Martina (a name which brings together the 2 names I was given at birth) reflects more authentically the deeper nature that is coming to the fore at this point in my life. It actually makes me smile! What I was not prepared for was that in changing my name, everything in my life seems to be changing. Maybe that is why so often it is easier to stay with things even when they aren’t working — there is this premonition that once one makes one change, others are bound to follow. I so often resist change and yet when I look back at my life, every change allowed for new growth and new experiences. To my surprise I am discovering that as I face my fear of change (neither pushing it away nor caving into it), I am tapping into an inner experience of excitement, of enthusiasm, and of possibility.

I am currently channeling this energy into building a new website which I intend to launch in February 2012 and which will allow me to reach a broader audience.

Another change that has had a powerful effect in my life is that both in my professional and personal life I am now a woman of “many looks.” When I was 14 years old I developed alopecia, an autoimmune disorder, which caused me to lose all my hair. I wore a wig for many years, and then for a period in the 1990s wore hats or nothing on my head (when it was warm enough), as that felt more authentic then. I have come to realize, that at least at this moment, one look is not more authentic than any other. So I am allowing myself to have fun with it and let wigs and hats be true accessories that I can choose to wear or not wear. The picture above is one with my “hat look”.

There is a sense with all of this that I am called to come out of hiding. My name and “look” are practice grounds for the deeper questions: Where are we hiding out; hiding out in the familiar? Might it be worth rocking the boat a bit and exploring what is asking to be seen and expressed? Why not risk it!


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